The scene: Supermarket, 10 a.m. on a Thursday.

The girl: Tall, tanned, uber-thin with long, straight, shiny hair. She was so put together with a perfect outfit with adorable sky-high heels and coordinating jewelry. And she had that impeccable makeup where she did a “smoky eye” that looked artistic rather than dirty (which is how it looks when I attempt it). False eyelashes and red lipstick completed the look. She was absolutely stunning and I felt a little like a creeper because I couldn’t stop staring at her. She could have been a model but guessing from the baby in her cart and the jumbo packages of diapers and Annie’s crackers, she was a mom just like me.

The reaction: Total ambivalence. On one hand, I desperately wanted to be her. She was utterly flawless. But on the other hand – false eyelashes and stilettos? For a supermarket?? (Although hey, what do I know? Maybe she just finished a casting call and stopped by the store on the way home? Maybe she’s married to a pro baller?) As I stood behind her in line, tugging at my sweat-soaked ponytail and smelly gym clothes – I always end up running errands after the gym when I look like I just finished Jell-O wrestling – it occurred to me that this example pretty much sums up my feelings about physical beauty in general: I want to have it but I don’t want to be expected to have it and I certainly don’t want it to be the only kind of beauty I have.

I’m not the only one who’s confused. I would argue that society as a whole is caught up in this bipolar attraction to andvilificationof outer beauty. Oscar Wilde explained it perfectly with this pithy adage: “It’s better to be beautiful than to be good, but it’s better to be good than to be ugly.” This is even more entertaining when you consider Wilde lived in an age before boob jobs, botox and bronzer. Apparently we have always been thus.

All of which is not to say that caring about how you look is bad. I certainly do. I think it’s about finding the balance between caring too little and caring too much. It’s about knowing how to highlight the truly beautiful parts of you rather than trying to create a new being out of whole cloth (or plastic, as the case may be). It’s about finding a way to show your true beauty through your soul and not worrying as much about the pretty package it’s tied up in.